I shall open this correspondence with some good news about the Fourteenth Amendment cats we now have flooding our tuna shop. Cat! You will not believe the plethora of information coming from all these unbagged cats around here. It turns out that there is more than one Fourteenth Amendment cat. In fact, we’ll have a band here tonight at the tuna shop, Paw Revere and the Whiskers performing for us on their "Purrteenth Amendment" tour. The leader of this band is a well-educated cat that overcame old "handout" times known as the "Chicken in Every Pot Syndrome" and his struggle for social acceptance. Of late having found his call, he has sold over one million copies of his newest release, "Oh! John Campbell." A writer of both fiction and truth, he has been on the best seller list more times than a cat can meow.

The author of "Unbag Me Now," "10 or More Lives to Give," and his most famous, "The Runaway Amendment," we are quite pleased to have here tonight, and even more so because we get to do a pre-show interview. So let me introduce to you the one and only – Thomas "Cat" Cooley!

Mr. Cooley, there has to be a million questions the readers would like to ask, all about your rise from the old fence-walking days and working by candlelight because you couldn’t afford to electrify. But we also want to know how you came to make this album with so many hits that, if this were baseball, you’d be intentionally walked from now on. Explain to us what gave you the idea for "Oh! John Campbell."

"Yeah, why not, its out of the bag lately anyway. But let me first remark on the super status of your ‘Oh! John Campbell,’ the song that has taken America by storm. Folks, it has been so popular you may as well call it the new Confederate Anthem. Being sung across America by young and old alike, not only has this song become the favorite among Southerners, but even in the North people have seen the truth about States’ Rights and rallied behind the ole call of such men as John Taylor, John C. Calhoun, Patrick Henry and, of course, the father of States’ Rights, James Madison."

"Yes, Mr. Cat-eyes, I’m amazed myself. I am so glad to be a part of this great turnaround coming upon the American people. Just as you mentioned, regarding Madison: most people didn’t know about him being a States’-Righter."

"Oh, Yea! Even though at first he did favor a national government and drafted the Constitution in such a format, soon as that plan failed there was no protest from him. Madison’s Federalist Paper number 45 and his Virginia Resolution show he was in favor of, and supported, the confederated form that did get ratified instead of his original proposal. But let’s move on with your Purrteenth Amendment Tour. How has this come about?"

"It started when I was studying for my degree in legal history. I was making quite a bit of progress on the early days of our Constitution, learning just what it meant, the original intent and how the States had delegated certain enumerated rights to a Federal government. As you interviewed Mr. Dictionary Cat in a prior issue, giving out the exact dates in history that the Merriam Webster Company of that time falsified many key words, it’s clear that you well know what Federal meant in those days. I took note of the chronology, thinking it would be of interest to look around, dig into those clues, and now just look what the cat has drug up!"

"Your song ‘Oh! John Campbell,’ how does it play into this?"

"Well, Detective Cat-eyes, it has no direct bearing on the dictionary conspiracy per se, but when I started centering my studies in that time period, I came across a legal battle fought by Louisiana to save States’ Rights. John Campbell of Alabama, who had held a seat on the U.S. Supreme Court and gave up that office to support the State of Alabama in the cause of States’ Rights, like many a turncoat politician, was a changed man after the war. He became the leading lawyer for the White butchers of New Orleans in the Slaughterhouse cases."

"From what I have read, John Campbell presented some very good arguments on behalf of the butchers. Your song arouses suspicion as to his motives, though."

"Yes, Campbell did make arguments that should have prevailed, one being the fact that the law was signed by Governor Warmoth after the legislature adjourned. A second agreeable argument was that the statute had not been signed within the five day period mandated by the Louisiana Constitution. Thirdly, the statute had no constitutional basis because, in enacting it, the legislature had granted a monopoly ‘in every sense of that term.’ But, read further the arguments of Campbell. Remember, he was a strict States’-Righter just five years prior to his arguments found here now advocating, ‘It is a mistaken idea...that the Legislature of the States have powers of legislation limited only by the express prohibitions of the constitutions of the States or the Union, or by necessary implication…’ He further maintained in his briefs that the exercise of legislative power to pass the Slaughterhouse statute ‘is contrary to the fundamental principles and theory of our form of government.’"

"I see what you are saying, Mr. Cooley. Some of his arguments were on target but flying on the wrong plane."

"Yes; in other words, these arguments, if contained in States’ Rights and according to State constitutions, etc., would have remained on course – with the right of the people of each respective State to deal with the issues at their own level of sovereign power. It will also be remembered that, at the time the ‘14th Amendment’ was said to have passed, there were no other doctrines or interpretations to influence Campbell or anyone as to its meaning.

"What made me suspicious from the very beginning was that John Campbell, an ex-Supreme Court Justice with nothing before him but the fact that the ‘14th Amendment’ aimed to constitutionalize the civil rights act of 1866 which intended no more than to raise the level of the freed slaves of the time, could not have been confused like these modern jurists – swarmed with so many variations of meanings today that there is nothing to stabilize an agreeable definition and purpose for the said ‘amendment.’ So how is it that John Campbell thought White butchers, already protected by their own State constitution, needed Federal relief from the Slaughterhouse laws passed on June 1, 1869, this by way of the so-called 14th Amendment that they had rejected just nine months earlier? Why, in the midst of the chaos of that time, ask for still more interference from the occupation power? Only after military force had usurped their government out from under the people of Louisiana (and, of course, all the other States both north and south) did they agree under duress to accept that fate, and here John Campbell had the White butchers begging for ‘14th amendment’ protection."

"I see what you mean. It is not whether the Slaughterhouse ruling is right or wrong but rather, is it right or wrong under the correct jurisdiction? – for instance, the due process clause of the 5th Amendment – if it were to become a Federal question at all; otherwise it must remain inside the State."

"Now you are glimpsing somewhat the light. These butchers were defrauded into looking for protection under a Federal power. That contrasts heavily against the known tradition of Baron vs. Baltimore.

"Also, and you have to remember this; whether the amendment passed or not, it had its purpose: to make the civil rights act of 1866 constitutionally acceptable for the newly-freed slaves. Now, let me ask you this, detective. Was any particular butcher one of the freed slaves? Another question: Were there other grounds to base the case on, and make a winning argument so as to altogether avoid this 14th amendment that would soon come battering and clanging minor privileges against the majority rights of the people and their States as stated in the Ninth and Tenth Amendments? Why the 14th? That is the real question; not this bickering about what was ruled on in the case itself, but, why the 14th?"

Now, readers, you are in for a real treat. We’re going to sing along with Paw Revere and the Whiskers. Since cats are not known for their abilities to write music, the band has adopted the tune of "Oh! Susanna." So, if you know that one, sing along with us.

He came from Alabama with the 14th on his mind,

Going to Louisiana where the 14th was declined.

He thought all night the day he left, on the lawsuit that was due;

It doesn’t matter ’bout that case, John Campbell don’t you sue.

Chorus:

Oh! John Campbell, don’t you rob us blind.

He came from Alabama with the 14th on his mind.

The "amendment" number he might use would rally a new cause

And help these future criminals to get around the laws.

The rights of States were then controlled, ’cause the Union did subdue,

But we had better plans than that; John Campbell, don’t you sue.

Chorus:

Oh! John Campbell, don’t you rob us blind.

He came from Alabama with the 14th on his mind.

The constitutions of our States were written for this land;

Read Baron versus Baltimore and you will understand.

The 14th never could have passed, till Yank his pistols drew;

’Cause, otherwise, the States were free; John Campbell don’t you sue.

Oh! John Campbell, don’t you rob us blind.

He came from Alabama with the 14th on his mind.

The Ninth and Tenth Amendments he never did pursue,

In fact, he left them out, of course, so the Court would not review.

The case was one of privilege, he argued to excess;

And emphasized equality, instead of due process.

Oh! John Campbell, don’t you rob us blind.

He came from Alabama with the 14th on his mind.