In previous reports I’ve covered a host of events that played a large part in finalizing the “14th Amendment” – from Marshall’s mere dictum falsely labeled as a Court case that gave us the notorious Marbury vs. Madison escapade becoming the Magna Charta for Judicial Authority, to falsified definitions in a well-respected dictionary, to the new regime that depended on those lies by grammarians for its continuance, to tricks played in the slaughterhouse cases that ended up with the Court’s clerks doing most of its work as ghost writers. Our cats have done well in bringing us these stories of events that either directly related to the “14th Amendment” or helped pave the way toward said amendment.

Once upon a time, before the “14th,” a 13th Amendment had appeared. Back then there lived a very strange guy wearing a very strange hat that lived in the house that Marshall built. The general who supported this strange man’s crimes also lived in the house that Marshall built. Many others of kindred sort took up residence in the house that Marshall built, all willing to keep the tradition laid down by Marshall. Sure, there would be a few Joseph Story drapes put up here and there, some Daniel Webster wallpaper, even upgraded shutters styled by Benjamin Curtis – but only to improve the house that Marshal built. These all lived in a fairy tale tailored to form an evil and flagitious kingdom in charge of upkeeping the house Marshall had built. Now, about that strange guy in the strange hat.

We have here a cat that has on a leash this horse he has brought with him, and the latter wants to tell us about how the 13th Amendment was conspired and bribed into place. Mr. Nevada Cat tells us that the 13th Amendment was ratified by the trickery of Abraham #*!@%!# (sorry, but there may be kids reading this) and one of his right-hand men, Charles Dana. Turns out that, after the war, this strange-hat-wearing guy wanted a no-slavery amendment. Such an amendment, he believed, would be worth a million military men. The guy imagined that if he could pull this off and get the thing ratified, then it would save the Union having to draft another million men, thus forcing the Southern States into submission without all that extra military.

“Ever heard of the cat in the hat?” this Siamese asked me.

“Well, what was in the hat that this strange guy wore may have been a cat-in-the-hat, but not your friendly Felis Catus. It was of the genera Vormela. In other words, a weasel.

“When Lincoln [oh well! the kids will hear it enough] reviewed the status of the Union, he realized that finagling his amendment through would require adding another State on paper.

“Nevada boasted hardly enough people to form a county, much less a State, but it was Lincoln’s determination to make them a State, and very quickly. So, in March of 1864, his bill came up before the House of Representatives. It had strong opposition, and looked unlikely to pass.

“So Lincoln assigned Assistant Secretary of War Charles Dana to do some bribing. Dana had already been doing spy work for Stanton, who, because not trusting Grant, had put Dana as a tail on him. It was Dana that, through such spying experience, was able to point out to the guy with the weasel in his hat three key ‘representatives’ who needed either cat A or cat B from his hat in order to vote for Nevada becoming a State. Lincoln would announce: ‘It is easier to admit Nevada than to raise another million of soldiers.’ But, as it turns out, Lincoln’s plan got both Nevada and the soldiers; for we know that, during Reconstruction, the soldiers came anyway.”

“Where did you get this information?” I asked Mr. Nevada Cat.

“Heck! I got it straight from the horse’s mouth. You’ve seen the way they are, all over themselves with their victories, bragging how they did it and all. You know their own kind takes it as ‘clean scheme’ instead of ‘dirt that hurts’ – so why not write a book on it?”

“Is that the book you have in your paw there?”

“Yes. Just take a look at page 174 and read on through 177. While you’re doing that, let’s also hear it straight from the horse’s mouth, so they can have a bit more to tell their Sapien contacts.”

Here he pulls on the reins and his friend comes forward. The horse hees a little, but then begins.

“In March, 1864…”

“Excuse me. First, let us acquaint our readers with your source. Okay, folks, the name of this book is Recollections of the Civil War, 1902, by Charles A. X#!)%!# (I’ll have to protect the kids from that one for now, but at least it’s not heard so often as that other profanity). And let’s have it straight from the horse’s mouth. Now you can see this is not all about cats, but horse sense as well. Everyone knows if it comes straight from the horse’s mouth that’s as good as a cat-out-of-the-bag.

“Okay, Mr. Ed? Silver? Flicka, Friday or whatever your name is…”

Says the Horse:

“Well, first, I am a horse with no name and I’ve been through the desert with a Sapien with no name. And, to think, he would sing about me and my namelessness. ‘Hee!’ to him, too. You will be surprised how many of us horses have something to say as well. Why do you think they send us out to the pasture claiming it’s all over for us? Okay, I’ll quote verbatim.

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“In March, 1864, the question of allowing Nevada to form a State government finally came up in the House of Representatives. There was strong opposition to it. For a long time beforehand the question had been canvassed anxiously. At last, late one afternoon, the President came into my office, in the third story of the War Department. He used to come there sometimes rather than send for me, because he was fond of walking and liked to get away from the crowds in the White house. He came in and shut the door.”

“He shut the door? We all know what that means, but go ahead.”

“‘Dana’ he said, ‘I am very anxious about this vote. It has got to be taken next week. The time is very short. It is going to be a great deal closer than I wish it was.’

“‘There are plenty of Democrats who will vote for it’ I replied. ‘There is James E. English, of Connecticut; I think he is sure, isn’t he?’

“‘Oh, yes; he is sure on the merits of the question.’

‘“Then’ said I, ‘There’s ‘Sunset’ Cox, of Ohio. How is he?’

‘“He is sure and fearless. But there are others that I am not clear about. There are three that you can deal with better than anybody else, perhaps, as you know them. I wish you would send for them.’

“He told me who they were; it isn’t necessary to repeat the names here. One man was from New Jersey and two from New York.

‘“What will they be likely to want?’ I asked.

‘“I don’t know’ said the President; ‘I don’t know. It makes no difference, though, what they want. Here is the alternative: that we carry this vote, or be compelled to raise another million, and I don’t know how many more men, and fight no one knows how long. It is a question of three votes or new armies.’

‘“Well sir,’ said I, ‘what shall I say to these gentlemen?’

‘“I don’t know’ said he; ‘but whatever promise you make to them I will perform.’

“I sent for the men and saw them one by one. I found that they were afraid of their party. They said that some fellows in the party would be down on them. Two of them wanted internal revenue collector’s appointments.

‘“You shall have it’ I said. Another one wanted a very important appointment about the custom house of New York. I knew the man well whom he wanted to have appointed. He was a Republican, though the congressman was a Democrat. I had served with him in the Republican county committee of New York. The office was worth perhaps twenty thousand dollars a year. When the congressman stated the case, I asked him ‘Do you want that?’

‘“Yes, said he.’

‘“Well,’ I answered, ‘You shall have it.’

‘“I understand, of course.’ said he, ‘that you are not saying this on your own authority?’

‘“Oh, no,’ said I; ‘I am saying it on the authority of the President.’

“Well, these men voted that Nevada be allowed to form a State government, and thus they helped secure the vote which was required. The next October the President signed the proclamation admitting the State. In the February following Nevada was one of the States which ratified the thirteenth Amendment. By which slavery was abolished by constitutional prohibition in all of the United States. I have always felt that this little piece of side politics was one of the most judicious, humane, and wise uses of executive authority that I have ever assisted in or witnessed…”

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“Yikes! I mean, Meow! to the kittens that lost their mittens in this scam. Is there more?”

“Yes, but I don’t want to say it all here. Be careful; ignore discouraging news from the mouths of all the king’s horses. As you know, they’ve witnessed an irreparable egg that could never be put together again. Their disparity is chronic; we only want it from horses saddled for victory. Which means the White ones that will be bringing back Jesus Christ. Now, that is a horse to hear from. Until Shiloh come!”

 

The First Freedom